when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
