she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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