P.S. I can't hear my feet
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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