She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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