I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
