I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
