i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
