you're like a bully in the Christmas story
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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