You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
