It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
