I cannot find my penis.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
