I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Alive.
So much puke
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
