Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
