Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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