I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
