My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
pray to the hookup gods
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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