I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
