did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
