I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
