Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
