please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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