Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
