hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
