i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
