I think i peed on brittanys purse
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
