she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
