stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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