there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
