as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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