she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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