I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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