I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
