You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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