My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
