I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
