you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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