i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
