I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
