I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Randomize
