I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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