you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
