in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
