I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
