Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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