I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
