Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
