In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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