Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize