Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
