Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I think my moral compass just broke
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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