I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
