I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
