I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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