There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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