I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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