I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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