I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
