So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
