i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
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