You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
